My good friend Danni came to visit a couple of weeks ago. It was good to see her and catch up, but inevitably the story of the months around my divorce came up. Danni lives in Florida and although we had talked while all of it was going on, I never really let a whole lot of people know what was really going on and the extent of how bad it had gotten. So she knew a few things, but not the vast majority.
I’ve been asked about my divorce from lots of people, even people I’m not close with will ask what happened. I don’t typically mind answering, I mean it happened and it’s part of what makes me, me. But I have found that my answer as to ‘what happened?’ keeps getting shorter and shorter, so much that I feel so disconnected from that time in my life. So when I was visiting with Danni and talking about that year of my life, I felt like I was reliving those feelings and I didn’t ever want to relive those feelings.
We were talking with some other friends of ours and from what was being said, I was starting to realize that not everyone that was in my life had truly acted or supported me in the way I thought they had or in the way they said they were. I started to get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach like I did at the time it was all happening. The feeling is something that I can never explain to you, the way it overcame me and affected who I was as a person. I was normally a happy person, someone who didn’t say much but was always social and looked forward to hanging out with my friends. And then when I found out that there were mean, untrue things being said about me – I was shattered. I felt numb to everyone and everything. Who was I suppose to turn to? Everyone in my life that I was close to had been told I wasn’t who they thought I was.
So when in this current conversation, I was thrown back into all of that, hearing that people that told me they supported me and believed me, didn’t actually do so… it just made me think – when? When will this go away? When will all of this not matter to me anymore? When will I begin to not care how people acted during that time? When will the story of my divorce go away?
Then I realize it won’t ever go away. Things happen throughout the years that remind me that everyone has their version of what happened. The issues that caused our divorce were at the mercy of opinions. I remember telling Annie at the time that I wish the reason we were divorcing was a black and white issue, that I wished one of us had cheated or something along those lines because then you knew it was wrong and that there were consequences. But the reasons my divorce was happening were in the vast grayness between black and white. And although there’s only two people in this world that know the truth of why our marriage ended, there are going to be people that think they know.
So how do I get to that place where I don’t care what others think? That the fact that I know I made a decision as a parent that was the toughest decision of my life should be all that matters? When will I stop questioning why me? When will I be ok with the fact that for some reason my life was chosen to take the path that it did?
I don’t know when I will stop caring. Because caring is who I am. I care what others think, I care about of how others feel. I’m probably more aware of the feelings of others than I am of my own feelings at times. I just have to keep moving forward knowing that I’m stronger than I may feel at times and that every decision I have made in the last 4 years has been to better my kids lives as well as my own.