When?

My good friend Danni came to visit a couple of weeks ago.  It was good to see her and catch up, but inevitably the story of the months around my divorce came up.  Danni lives in Florida and although we had talked while all of it was going on, I never really let a whole lot of people know what was really going on and the extent of how bad it had gotten.  So she knew a few things, but not the vast majority.

I’ve been asked about my divorce from lots of people, even people I’m not close with will ask what happened.  I don’t typically mind answering, I mean it happened and it’s part of what makes me, me.  But I have found that my answer as to ‘what happened?’ keeps getting shorter and shorter, so much that I feel so disconnected from that time in my life.  So when I was visiting with Danni and talking about that year of my life, I felt like I was reliving those feelings and I didn’t ever want to relive those feelings.

We were talking with some other friends of ours and from what was being said, I was starting to realize that not everyone that was in my life had truly acted or supported me in the way I thought they had or in the way they said they were.  I started to get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach like I did at the time it was all happening.  The feeling is something that I can never explain to you, the way it overcame me and affected who I was as a person.  I was normally a happy person, someone who didn’t say much but was always social and looked forward to hanging out with my friends.  And then when I found out that there were mean, untrue things being said about me – I was shattered.  I felt numb to everyone and everything.  Who was I suppose to turn to?  Everyone in my life that I was close to had been told I wasn’t who they thought I was.

So when in this current conversation, I was thrown back into all of that, hearing that people that told me they supported me and believed me, didn’t actually do so… it just made me think – when?  When will this go away?  When will all of this not matter to me anymore?  When will I begin to not care how people acted during that time?  When will the story of my divorce go away?

Then I realize it won’t ever go away.  Things happen throughout the years that remind me that everyone has their version of what happened.  The issues that caused our divorce were at the mercy of opinions.  I remember telling Annie at the time that I wish the reason we were divorcing was a black and white issue, that I wished one of us had cheated or something along those lines because then you knew it was wrong and that there were consequences.  But the reasons my divorce was happening were in the vast grayness between black and white.  And although there’s only two people in this world that know the truth of why our marriage ended, there are going to be people that think they know.

So how do I get to that place where I don’t care what others think?  That the fact that I know I made a decision as a parent that was the toughest decision of my life should be all that matters?  When will I stop questioning why me?  When will I be ok with the fact that for some reason my life was chosen to take the path that it did?

I don’t know when I will stop caring.  Because caring is who I am.  I care what others think, I care about of how others feel.  I’m probably more aware of the feelings of others than I am of my own feelings at times.  I just have to keep moving forward knowing that I’m stronger than I may feel at times and that every decision I have made in the last 4 years has been to better my kids lives as well as my own.

 

A Look Back

I’ve been blogging over a year now.  A few days ago I started thinking about my blog and where it’s been in the last year or so.  To say the least, it’s been to the extremes.  When I started I was blogging about my emotions involving my divorce to jumping into online dating.  I blogged about various dates I went on and the insane situations I seemed to find myself in.  And eventually my blog has turned into me blogging about my photography and my relationship with Jason.

I’ve been congratulated on having the courage to write about my situation.  You see, I live in the midwest.  Everyone is married.  And if you aren’t married, let’s say you get divorced, well then you’re in search of your next marriage.  If you are 30 and single in the midwest, people are wondering what is wrong with you.

I’ve had people email me and say thank you for writing about and being open about something that not many people my age have gone through.  I’ve had people ask me for advice from everything from divorce lawyers to custody agreements.

It’s been a loopy kind of road to get where I am now.  Am I in the exact place I want to be?  No, not really.  But I am on the road and that’s what counts.  I don’t regret writing about the dates I’ve been on… if anything, I’m grateful I had those experiences.  I learned a lot about myself, my strength, and what I have come to expect out of my life.  I’m not entirely sure when I’ll get to where I want to be.  Sometimes it can be a daily struggle, other times it’s just when things are crazy kind of struggle.

I’m just grateful for where I’ve been and the places I have yet to go.

I’m in the Top 10!

Recently I received an email letting me know that my blog has been chosen to be in datingadvice.com’s list of Top 10 Dating Blogs for Single Moms.  I am literally speechless.  Sometimes you forget that when you post things on your blog that it really is out there for all the world to see.  I’m so surprised and so happy that they included me on their list.

Here’s the article…

http://www.datingadvice.com/for-women/10-best-dating-blogs-for-single-moms

Enjoy!

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His Princess

I’m not a lovey dovey kind of gal.  I love being in love, but when it comes to the gushy stuff you can count me out!  I don’t like grand gestures of affection, I’m the kind of girl who appreciates the small things… the things that happen everyday that show I’m always on his mind.

That’s one of the many reasons I love Jason.  Sure he’s gotten me flowers and done things that just aren’t possible to do all the time, but it’s the things that he does every single day that really make me appreciate him.  And ladies, when I tell you what he does, you’re gonna be jealous.  I’m serious, one girl saw him doing what he does one day and I overheard her tell her friend “wow, I haven’t seen a guy do that in years.”

Every morning I get a text from him telling me he loves me and to have a good day.  I know this seems small, but I look forward to those daily texts.  They make me smile and feel loved before I start my day.

He opens the door for me ALL the time.  We aren’t talking just when walking in and out of buildings… I’m talking about ALL the time.  I get in the car, he opens the door for me.  I get out of the car, he opens the door for me.  Even the door from the garage to go in the house, he opens it for me.  Now I know this may sound like too much and at first I wasn’t sure if I could handle this.  I mean, this is a lot of attention.  People notice when he does this and they like to watch.  It’s like it’s a dying art, like a gentleman only did this type of thing decades ago.  I’ve come to love it!

I can tell that he cares about me and about my feelings.  This isn’t typical of any guy, you know.  We all know I’ve had my fair share of dating and I can truly tell Jason cares about me.  It’s in the way he talks to me, the way he does small things for me, the way that I may not always be what he’s thinking about, but I’m always on his mind.

The other day he sent me a text and in it he called me Princess.  Not in a demeaning way, but in a loving way.  Now before him, I would’ve hated being called Princess.  But not now, I’ll be his Princess any day.

I did it…

I’ve always wanted to do more with photography.  A goal of mine has always been to be a photographer.  And until now, it’s been a dream kept to myself.  Recently I decided to take a giant leap of faith and just get out there and start doing it.  Not ease my way into it, but to take a huge ol’ flying leap into this dream of mine.

So I’m excited to share with you my new little photography business!  It’s all mine and I love doing it and I can’t wait for all of you to check it out!!

You can find me on facebook under Lowrance Photography and my website is http://www.lowrancephotography.com.

Check it out!

The Story of Us

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Jason and I go back, way back (…that just made me think of that Blackstreet song…), back when we were still in our teens.  I first met Jason when I was 16 and a sophomore in high school.  He was one of those bad boys (which I loved for whatever reason).  He had a tattoo, his eyebrow was pierced, and school just wasn’t his thing.  I was immediately infatuated with him.  The way we met escapes me, I know it involves asking how to use a vacuum and pretending that I needed his help.  I’m sure he knew I was just looking for an excuse to talk to him, but it worked anyway.

After we started dating, we were inseparable.  We were together all the time, it was like I couldn’t get enough of him.  I fell hard and fast for him and him for me.  We did everything together, from going on family vacations together to hanging out on his mom’s couch to being up to no good in the wee hours of the morning.  We ended up dating for two years while I was in high school.  At one point he even gave me a promise ring and to this day I still have it.

After two years, we ended up breaking up.  A lot was going on around both of us and for whatever reason we both let outside influences get the better of us and we ended things.  I was devastated and time after time I wanted to call him or ask others what he was doing or if he was seeing anyone… but I never did contact him again.

Well the town we both live in is not small nor is it large.  It’s just small enough that if you grew up here, you know everything about everyone – good and bad.  And it’s just large enough that you can go years, decades even, and never see certain people.  That’s what happened to Jason and I.  After Jason and I broke up, 13 years went by before I would speak to him again.  It wasn’t because we were avoiding each other, we just never ran into each other.  Jason was one of those people from my past that I always thought about, wondered what happened to him, what he was up to, and what if things had happened differently.

After 13 years of complete silence between us, I received a message on Facebook one Saturday morning and it was from him.  I saw who it was from and immediately felt excited.  Before I even read his message I remember thinking what did it say, why would he send me a message, what did he want?  As I read his first message, I realized it was a simple ‘hi, I just wanted to catch up’ message asking how I was, how my parents were, and what my brother was up to these days.  I answered politely and asked how he was doing, meanwhile in my head I was yelling “is that it?  You just want to know about them?”  I’m not quite sure what I was wanting him to say or ask or any of that, but I was so excited to just have this little bit of him back in my life that I was making myself nervous with the uncertainty of what I was hoping would come of this communication.  We messaged back and forth for days, which turned into a week.  At the end of that first week, it all started to change from polite catch up messages to maybe this could be more messages.

We decided after a week and a half of messaging that we would meet up.  I was nervous to say the least.  I knew how strongly I had felt about him in the past and if any of those feelings were still in me now, I knew that it would come back to me very fast.  On the way to meet him, I had to pull over twice.  I was so nervous.  I was scared that he would look at me and not feel like he use to.  I was even more nervous that we would still feel the same way and we would fall right back into where we were 13 years ago.  I just had a feeling that it would get serious fast.

I pulled up to the park that we were meeting at and took one look at him.  He looked just like he did when we were younger.  I don’t remember what he said to me as we were walking up to each other but I do remember that when we were together in high school I would tell him that I loved the way he said my name.  And at that exact moment of walking up to him and hearing him talk, I remembered why I would say that.

We sat and talked for a while and then decided to get dinner.  We talked all night about what we had been up to and about things back when we were younger.  At one point I looked over at him and told him I really missed him.  It was true, I knew I thought about him a lot over the years but it didn’t occur to me just how much I missed him until we were sitting there catching up.

Well ever since that night, we’ve once again, been inseparable.  Sometimes I get mad and wonder why 13 years went by before we saw each other again.  I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so I know there has to be a reason why.  I may never know why it had to be 13 years… but what I do know, is I am so happy to have him in my life now.